Jay calls it a Vacation.

I beg to differ. Tomorrow I leave for New Orleans on a business trip. Yes, there are parts of me very excited to go. I have never been to New Orleans. I get to get away from my office and insane workload. I get to stay at the Ritz Carlton. I get to try new restaurants and food. I get to visit with my old boss Doug.

But..... I hate leaving. I hate not being with my boys. For the record, when I say my boys, that includes Jay. They are all my boys and I will miss them all terribly.

Mostly, I worry. I worry since the week we just had was a really hard one. I worry that Jay will be overwhelmed and frustrated. He is a great father but anyone can get that way when left with two kids while working crazy hours. I worry that the boys will be more challenging while I am gone.

It is not a vacation to me. I will still be working. Yes, I will get to eat my meals without tending to small children. I will get to go to bed when I wish and watch whatever I want on TV. I will get to chat with other adults without scanning constantly to find one of my children. I will get to shower in the morning without trying to content whining voices.

But... I will feel half like myself. Just as we all need a break, so do I. The funny thing is that when those breaks become available (either by choice or not), my world is not the same. My heart will be here with them and I am sure I will have tears at some point in the 72ish hours I will be gone.

Chances are, they will not miss a beat. They will be fine, I know. They will enjoy the time together but that is almost what hurts the most. What will I miss? Funny comments, lots of hugs and being needed. Surprisingly the grind of daily life all of the sudden becomes so important when you are not going to be there for it.

I begged Jay to come with me. It would have been a pretty cheap trip and he could have enjoyed the weather and pool while I worked. Truthfully, we could use some alone time but I understand. There is no way he would leave them. I have to go, he doesn't. Although, there is a part of him that longs for days on a pool chair sunning and resting, he would truly not be able to relax without our boys. I totally get that. I feel the same way.

Jay, Carson and Fin- I will miss you so much. You all already know how much I love you. Have fun together. I will be thinking and praying for you. Wednesday will come quickly and even though you will probably be asleep when I get home, I will kiss you nonetheless.

I have not even left yet but I can't wait to be whole again!You three have my heart and it always stays with you!