Saturday, August 30, 2008

It's not really all rainbows and butterflies!

I know...kind of a cheesy title but my point is that we had a really bad week. I spend a lot of time in these posts talking about how fun our weekends are, showing fun pictures and saying how blessed we are.

Last night, I wasn't feeling blessed or happy at all. My four year old son was at therapy for five days, three hours per day this week. He was physically exhausted. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was a bear. We had a horrible week with meltdowns because he and his body don't understand why he is having to work so hard. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm depressed. Next week, he starts school so it will be even worse. He'll have school for three hours with a one hour break and then therapy for three hours. The week after that will be the same.

This weighs on my mind all day at work, anywhere we are and no matter what we are doing. I need to get him better. I always try to be the rock, think positively, and see the improvements that are happening but last night all I could feel was pure sadness. I tried to cuddle with him on the couch and the floor while we watched cartoons. He was so crabby. He kept yelling and doing his new chicken noise. I couldn't take it anymore so I went and laid in our bed and just cried. I feel bad for Griffin. I feel bad for Emily. More than anything, I feel bad for Carson. I don't know what he's feeling, what he's thinking, how exhausted and frustrated he is. It shows in his emotions but I just want to be able to have a conversation with him. One of these days on the way home from therapy, when I ask how his day was, I just want him to answer me without me having to prompt him. I feel like we're being cheated out of this special time. I love Carson more that I ever even dreamed of loving another human being. Seeing him struggle breaks my heart. Seeing Griffin getting brushed aside breaks my heart. Seeing the pain in Emily's eyes and seeing her cry about it breaks my heart. Seeing the sadness in our parents' eyes because they don't know what to do when he has meltdowns breaks my heart.

I always take the high road. Whenever Emily is down, I tell her how at therapy I saw what some other kids and parents are having to deal with and our problems are small comparatively speaking. Although I know that, I also know that our problems are not insignificant. This is huge for Carson and for us. Last night, as I laid there, all I could think was "Why Carson?" This is so unfair. I hate that he has to go through this. Emily and Carson came into the bedroom last night and this time, Emily had to console me and tell me that it's going to be okay and that he's getting better. She told me about all the things he is doing that he wouldn't do before. She was my rock. She wiped my tears away and hugged me. For that, I am blessed. She told Carson that I was sad and he said I love you mommy and daddy. Carson and I cuddled and fell asleep. I woke up this morning still feeling the same pain.

We have a fun weekend planned. We're heading off to Aunt Carol and Uncle Roger's today for a day of swimming. We have Emily's family picnic tomorrow and maybe heading back to Aunt Carol's for an evening swim. Monday, we're going boating with Uncle Tommy and Aunt Niki. I'm excited to see everyone but also scared because I don't know how Carson is going to be this weekend. His body is going through changes. He's physically exhausted. He's frustrated and aggressive. None of these events are going to be relaxing. We can't go sit and talk like the other parents do and just let our kids go and play with the other kids. We are constantly "on." Part of me wants to stay home in our little bubble, in our "safe place" everyday this weekend. I know we can't though. It's hard to see all of the other kids playing and just wishing that this would go away. It's hard to see all of the other parents sitting, laughing and relaxing with each other and wishing that we could do the same. It's hard knowing that not everyone understands what Carson and our entire family is going through daily. I don't want people to think that he is just being bad. He has no control over what is going on and neither do we. That is the most frustrating part! I'm sure the weekend will be fine. We'll get through it like we always do. I feel like we're running out of time. We have one more year before kindergarten to get him better.

Sorry to be a downer but I don't want to give the impression that we live the perfect life. We just do our best to make it as perfect as we can right now. Thanks for listening to me vent. Enjoy your weekend!


Anonymous said...

No need to say, I'm sorry. Carson is your child and all a father or mother wants is that their child be well and happy. Vent all you want, get it all out, yell, scream, cry - it's ok. We love you and will always be there for you.....Nonna

Anonymous said...

Hange in there. I know it is hard but we all know this is not something easy. Our pal will get by this and and so will everyone else. He has come a long way because of his mom and dad and will make even further progress. Vent and feel all you want. You feel things and thank God Carson is felling things now too.
Papa Tom

Anonymous said...

Thinking of all of you!


Journey To Eden said...

If I knew the right words to ease your pain I would. Just know that we are all here for you, Em, Griff, and our wonderful Carson. This too shall pass. Carson really is getting better. We love you.

Anonymous said...

We all love Carson, Griffen, You, and Emily more than you know... and no one says it enough. I think about you guys all the time and get excited to see ALL of you, I wish I could more! No one can be just peachy all the time and no one blames you for venting... It just gives me more motivation to learn as much as I possibly can to make lives easier for kids like Carson. I wish I could do more. I am ALWAYS here, don't forget that!!! LOVE UUUUU