There is so much to write but not much time so, please excuse this as a way to fill you all in:
My job - As of today, I am officially a SAHM. After last weeks meeting(the one in which I carried my things out in a box), I was phoned the next day with an apology and offered to return to my job. There were some huge errors made, none on my part and for that I feel much better. There is a big long story to all of this - calls to unemployment, HR and an attorney. I have made the decision not to return due to some of the specifics and am totally okay with it all. I am bummed to have left the way I did but that was not in my control and no apology will take that away. I am not holding any grudges and wish the company all good things. In the big picture...the universe was telling me it was time for a change and once I got over the emotional aspect of it I realized that I better listen. I am now very excited and motivated to move forward and see where this crazy life takes me.
Griffin - So often we write about Carson. I know this blog is really his but I want to document some of Fin's latest happenings. Other than the fact that he is still a REALLY easy baby, he is chatting up a storm, always worried about where Carson is and what he is doing and truly is a total riot. The boys together are magic and Fin brings us the perfect balance to our life. I can't believe the things that come out of his month. He easily has three and four word sentences. He totally communicates. This is something Jay and I did not experience with Carson so, it is so strange to me to have a 20mo old talk to me. It is bittersweet when I think about how hard my Carson has had to work but also so joyous in that Griffin is doing so well and has NO signs of autism or any related disorder. Thank you God!
Carson - Back in Aug. I made a decision to start pursuing programs through the state. After months of red tape and hearing about how much money we make (very funny!) we finally heard that Carson was approved for a Children's Waiver. This is HUGE. I cannot even tell you how huge this is. I did not think for one second he would get it. After going through another program and the red tape, I never thought he would get it. Basically, this waiver provides Carson with his needed therapies - OT, PT, Speech at no cost to us. It is a program based on diagnosis and since Carson is considered in the Autism world to be high functioning, I did not think he would get it. This past week we have had the social worker and behaviorist come out and start assessments. It went really well and the most important thing they both mentioned was that - Carson totally ROCKS! No surprise at all - it made me cry. It overwhelmed me that they saw in him what I do. He is not just an autistic kid. They did not speak of him like a patient. They see that he has tons of wonderful abilities and I can't tell you how nice it was to hear that. So often, the medical and educational staff in our life has focused on the things he can't do. Yeah, we are working on those...but these people got him. Carson will also be able to get art therapy, music therapy and equine (horseback riding) therapy. Almost all of his services for the past two and a half years have been out of pocket for Jay and I. There are so many different things we want him to try and experience but the financial burden is very hard. This is the best Christmas present anyone could have given us not for the money but for the opportunity for our child.
Me - I could write a book on the emotional roller coster of the past 3+ years. If I look over the years, there are many times I am totally embarrassed. The biggest thing I have realized this past month or so is that my sadness is starting to lift. Sure, it has to due with Carson doing well, Fin being healthy and the fact that I adore my husband but it also has to due with our network of support and our friends and family. I am not proud that there were times when I was GREEN. Very green with envy. The pain of hearing about typical kids or Carson being around typical kids would almost take my breath away. I never wanted anyone to go through what we were (are) but hearing about your amazing kid and all their talking and how they are doing so well...... it was too much. Please don't hate me for this. I am just being honest. Through this blog and others, our involvement in the Autism world and the increased awareness of those around us, it has helped me tame the green monster. I did not know ANYONE with a kid on the spectrum when this began, most of our family knew very little about what Autism was, many of our friends have not really been heard of in months...... It was a total life adjustment and as time has gone on and we have learned more and those around us have learned more.... it is getting better. I am not going to lie and say that it does not creep up and bite me sometimes.... the pain is still there. It is not anger for you or your child. Just the obvious exaggeration of what my child was not and still is not.
Jay - God love him! What did I do to deserve him? You must get sick of all our mushy writing about one another. Let me fill you in on a statistic though - the divorce rate for couples who have a child on the Autism Spectrum is 84%. We certainly went though a tough time in the beginning but have made a very strong commitment to not walk this alone. Believe it or not Autism has blessed our life and my marriage is one of the areas that has actually gotten better with it. He is the only other person on this planet that will know what I am thinking/feeling at any given moment.
Jay is looking forward to the long Christmas break although work stress is really hard right now. Since he is in the automotive industry things are uncertain and he has the tough task of seeing many wonderful colleagues out of a job. Please pray for these families as things look like they are only going to get worse before better.
Christmas - We are totally excited! This is the first year that Carson "gets" what is going on and that has been wonderful. He is getting very frustrated as he does not understand day's and time very well and keeps asking when Santa is coming but I know his wait will be worth it. Carson made a list weeks ago and lucky for us it has not changed. Griffin is just happy when we are all happy so, he has been excited too. Fin did not like Santa at all though.
Plans - We have lots of fun parties in the next few days. I am going to try a few new recopies. I have really been interested in cooking more and trying different things since I have been PT and now unemployed. We will see where that takes us (probably higher on the scale). I am also making a few Christmas gifts this year. Wow. I am turning into a regular crafty, home cooked meal kind of girl. Our shopping is almost done. Just two or three gifts left. One of which is for our new cousin - Gianna Marie. Born to Audrey and Dale and little sister to Sophia. She is beautiful and such a wonderful Christmas blessing.
Speaking of babies - nothing gets my uterus aching like going to the mother baby unit at the hospital. I was feeling ready a few months ago but Miss Gianna's arrival has sent me over the edge. Jay has been ready since the day after Fin was born. My only hesitation is that Fin is a mommy's baby and I don't know how he would do with me and another one. I guess all moms go through that though. Jay and I will keep you posted on this. No, we have no big announcement at this time. If it happens we would be overjoyed. If not, we have two of the greatest kids and will be okay too.
Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope you all have a great night and take care - Em