Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The job cycle

I think about my old job often. Much more often than I ever thought I would. I still keep in touch with several colleagues and am very blessed that some of my dearest friends came from that job. I would have never understood before now how, over a year later I still don't feel closure on how it ended. It is like a really bad break up where they tell you it is them and not you but yet you still don't get it.

It is strange. When I use to day dream about leaving and being a full time mom it always seemed unreal and even though I have been home now for 15 months, it still does not seem real. I guess the reality lies in the fact that I may (sooner than later) be going back into the work force. My being home has never been a permanent arrangement. I knew that 15 months ago and I still do today. As much as I would love it to be, it just does not seem like we can make this work forever.

This thought brings up all sorts of anxieties in me. None of which have to do with my ability. I have confidence that I could still work, do a good job. It would be nice to surprise myself at my strengths and be creative again. It would be nice to talk to adults and yes, sometimes it would be nice to escape from autism for a while. But I feel so much anxiety. My anxieties now come from the very rational thought that... nobody can take care of my kids like I do. Even on a bad day, I know that they would rather be with me than anyone on the earth. Even on the bad days there are moments of wonderful perfection where my heart is filled beyond what I could express.

Before, when I worked I did not know what I was missing. I had both Carson and Fin and knew I would be returning to work. We had wonderful child care and I never worried about their care. Now, as I start to deal with our reality I feel my chest tighten at the thought of trusting their care to someone else.

I already feel jealous over the memories they (a care provider) might get that I would miss. I worry my relationships with each of them would change. Of course, I worry how Carson would get all that he needs with 40+ hours of my week filled. I worry about exposing Fin and Mia to the potential germs of a day care setting (remember, they are not vaccinated).

I can't even wrap my head around how I would get everything done. How I could work, be a mom and wife and still get house work done, laundry, etc. To tell the truth, I am so busy now that some weeks I have to let things go.

I can't even imagine finding a job in this horrible market that would provide us money less day care costs. When I factor all the expenses to working, I start to think if it is really worth it at all.

Then I remember how fulfilling it was to feel needed (believe me I know I am needed at home, just in a different way) and most of the time, appreciated. I remember how working provided me growth as a person and enjoyed the challenges. Yes, there was stress from time to time but I guess I might have been lucky that my job was an enjoyable one.

So, I go back and fourth. I try to convince myself that if I have to go back that it wont be so bad. We would find a new normal. The money sure would be great and we could do some things that we have not been able to.

But then, I look at my three greatest gifts in the world and realize there is nothing of material value that can replace what I have been able to experience these past 15 months. I don't shop much anymore. There are no vacations planned. Big nights out are not common. But that is okay. I really does not bother me.

And the cycle starts all over again.

I guess in time, I will know what my options are. I pray that I will have peace with whatever they may be.


Anonymous said...

The perfect job for you would be one week on and one week off...getting the best of both worlds. I feel for your dilemna and will cross my fingers that the perfect opportunity arises! I know it's far away yet, but it will be easier when all the kids are in school.
Love you,

Anonymous said...

You are right Em, they are the three greatest things in your life! I know it is a hard choice to go back to work, but you have to know how lucky you are that you have 15+ months already at home with them. Some of us are not that lucky to spend that time with our kids. I know I would love to stay home, but that is not even an option, so you are blessed that you at least got that time at home with them. I can, as I am sure all moms can, relate to working all day and then trying to get in all that you need to do. I hope all works out for you with whatever choice you make! I know it is so tough to worry about your kids care when you are at work and they are in the hands of someone else. It is tough. I agree with the last comment. I sure hope it gets easier as they get in school. I know I can't wait for Drew to be able to go to work with me next year. I won't be with him all day, but at least he will be in my building. :)I wish you the best!

Take care,

cindy said...

You are facing the age old problem that all moms face. Is anyone but you able to care for your kids and what will you be missing? If you are comfortable with your caregivers that is a big help. Maybe you could look for a job that was only 2-3 days a week. And then there is the thought that your kids will appreciate you more when you are around. Have you thought about a job in the schools? Parapro or something like that? Good luck with a tough decision.

Anonymous said...

All will work out. You'll see. You might be doing something you haven't even thought of yet. I think you shoud start writing a book so we can watch you on Oprah,cuz it will be a best seller!!! Love,Granny

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that this is the first time that I have read your blog. I remember the days and the many conversations we had and I know that God has guided you every step of the way. God will tap you on the shoulder Emily and say this way and not that way. He gave you Jay and Carson, Fin and finally Mia. I see a glow in your pictures and that can never be replaced. Trust your heart as you trust God and leave the worrying to him. God Bless.