Our Little Easter Bunnies.....

The kids had a blast on Easter. They are going to love these pics when they get older.....













Happy Easter!

Happy Birthday Carson! If I could turn back time....

Wow! I cannot believe that you are 6 years old! The last 6 years have been a whirlwind. Through it all, the one thing that always stays true is how much your mother and I love you! We have some good days, some bad days, some good weeks, some bad weeks...but you never cease to amaze us.

We are so proud of how far you have come. You are a constant source of joy in our lives. You are such a perfect little boy! You have taught us so much in your short 6 years of life thus far...you have taught us patience, understanding, open-mindedness and you've taught us to just go with the flow. You have taught us to appreciate every little thing that you do.

You have also taught us how to love deeper than I ever thought possible. You have changed my life so much for the better Carson. I barely recognize the person I once was. I go to bed and wake up thinking about you every day. You make me feel every emotion stronger than I once did. I thank God every night for giving you to your mother and I. You are a true blessing.

If I could do things over, of course I would do some things differently. I'm so sorry that you have to work so hard at some things that come naturally for others. I promise you that I am doing and will continue to do everything I can to give you the best life possible. You inspire me more than you'll ever know. Your courage and strength amazes me. Thank you for working so hard for us. You are going to be okay Carson...I promise you that. The most important thing to your mother and I is that you are happy and you ARE! When I hear your deep chuckle and see that sparkle in your eyes, I know how happy you are. I hope that you have the happiest birthday ever. You are such a special little boy!

Thank you for making us such proud parents! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!


Speaking of turning back time.........

You've been beautiful and perfect since the first minute we laid eyes on you.

God Bless You Carson!

Love,

Daddy

Come out, Come out, where ever you are!

So, it seems we have some actual real live people that read our blog. I was thinking it was just my mom, sister and a few other close family/friends. Now, don't get all crazy. I don't think we are of Dooce status but, to know we have more than three followers... that is nice.

It is not uncommon for Jay and I to be talking to someone to have them tell us, yeah, I read your blog. We don't mind at all. Really. A blog is a public forum. This is open to anyone to read.

But, it sure would be nice to know who you were!!!! So, if you have a second, leave us a comment. It would be nice to meet you and hear a bit about you. Also, if you blog, please include your blog address so we can check you out too.

Whoever you are out there, thanks for reading and I hope that at some point, on some post.... you were glad you came.

The job cycle

I think about my old job often. Much more often than I ever thought I would. I still keep in touch with several colleagues and am very blessed that some of my dearest friends came from that job. I would have never understood before now how, over a year later I still don't feel closure on how it ended. It is like a really bad break up where they tell you it is them and not you but yet you still don't get it.

It is strange. When I use to day dream about leaving and being a full time mom it always seemed unreal and even though I have been home now for 15 months, it still does not seem real. I guess the reality lies in the fact that I may (sooner than later) be going back into the work force. My being home has never been a permanent arrangement. I knew that 15 months ago and I still do today. As much as I would love it to be, it just does not seem like we can make this work forever.

This thought brings up all sorts of anxieties in me. None of which have to do with my ability. I have confidence that I could still work, do a good job. It would be nice to surprise myself at my strengths and be creative again. It would be nice to talk to adults and yes, sometimes it would be nice to escape from autism for a while. But I feel so much anxiety. My anxieties now come from the very rational thought that... nobody can take care of my kids like I do. Even on a bad day, I know that they would rather be with me than anyone on the earth. Even on the bad days there are moments of wonderful perfection where my heart is filled beyond what I could express.

Before, when I worked I did not know what I was missing. I had both Carson and Fin and knew I would be returning to work. We had wonderful child care and I never worried about their care. Now, as I start to deal with our reality I feel my chest tighten at the thought of trusting their care to someone else.

I already feel jealous over the memories they (a care provider) might get that I would miss. I worry my relationships with each of them would change. Of course, I worry how Carson would get all that he needs with 40+ hours of my week filled. I worry about exposing Fin and Mia to the potential germs of a day care setting (remember, they are not vaccinated).

I can't even wrap my head around how I would get everything done. How I could work, be a mom and wife and still get house work done, laundry, etc. To tell the truth, I am so busy now that some weeks I have to let things go.

I can't even imagine finding a job in this horrible market that would provide us money less day care costs. When I factor all the expenses to working, I start to think if it is really worth it at all.

Then I remember how fulfilling it was to feel needed (believe me I know I am needed at home, just in a different way) and most of the time, appreciated. I remember how working provided me growth as a person and enjoyed the challenges. Yes, there was stress from time to time but I guess I might have been lucky that my job was an enjoyable one.

So, I go back and fourth. I try to convince myself that if I have to go back that it wont be so bad. We would find a new normal. The money sure would be great and we could do some things that we have not been able to.

But then, I look at my three greatest gifts in the world and realize there is nothing of material value that can replace what I have been able to experience these past 15 months. I don't shop much anymore. There are no vacations planned. Big nights out are not common. But that is okay. I really does not bother me.

And the cycle starts all over again.

I guess in time, I will know what my options are. I pray that I will have peace with whatever they may be.

Art and Music Therapy

I mentioned in my last post that Carson has started art and music therapy at the FAR conservatory in Birmingham. What a wonderful place! He had his first session this past Wed and did really well.

Carson was having a bit of an "off" week and I was concerned about how he would do but he was so excited to go that I did not cancel. The first thing he had was art. He did enjoy it but was very distracted by all the items in the room. He was a bit off task and at one point got mad at his therapist and told her she was on the naughty list. He even called her a butter head. I left the room at this point as I thought I was more of a distraction than a help and he did finish up his work and seemed to have fun.

Music was a joy. He loved it. The smile on his face and his dancing and singing were so sweet. This place is amazing. They have tons of instruments for him to try and make up songs all the while working on focus and fine motor skills.

When we were all done and walking out, Carson took my hand and said - I love you mom.

To any mom this is music to their ears. To a mom of a child that is considered speech and language impaired - this is magic! I remember the time when he would/could not speak at all. Not even answer a yes or no question. No eye contact. Just stared off into space. All this work is worth it and to know he is happy and can express himself..... amazing.

Yep, I think he had fun and as a parent that is all you could want.

Flying time

Hello all. I promise no drama in this post. Time is flying by and I can't believe it will be March in just a few days.



March is such a special month for us. Carson will be turning 6 on the 15th. We have a fun party planned at Pump it Up. He is super excited and I can't wait to see his happy face! He even has a few gifts that he has already said he wants.



February was such a wonderful but busy month for us. Each weekend we had two to three commitment's and I am happy to report that we got through them well and had fun. This weekend is my cousins bridal shower and a family party for Jay. I will be taking Miss Mia with me so that Jay and the boys can go do something fun together.



Just a few funny things to report -

• Griffin and Carson have really gotten back into wanting popsicles. Who does not want a Popsicle when it is a snowy blizzard outside? By the time Fin would get to the middle of the Popsicle he would complain that his hands were too cold. All on his own, he went and got out his gloves. Now, every time he has a Popsicle he has to eat it with gloves.


• Carson starts music and art therapy today. He has his evaluations last month and LOVED it. I actually cried when I saw how much fun he had playing the piano and making up songs. The people that will be working with him are wonderful and he is already very excited to go today. It makes me very happy that he can receive 'therapy' by doing things that are fun.


• We are all longjng for some sun. Carson is asking to go to the beach everyday. He even got his hands on our thermostat and set it to 82 degrees. Just yesterday he asked me if I could turn winter into summer. I love that he thinks I have super powers but I disappointed him greatly when I could not seem to make it warm up outside.


• The boys, Jay and I went sledding last week. I have taken Carson a few times but this time, Fin got to go. Fin is not nearly as adventurous as Carson and I waited on taking him until Jay was there so we each had a child. Fin did enjoy it but then he got some snow in his face and that was it. He was done. Carson on the other hand, loves it and wont quit until he physically can't walk up the hill anymore. I wish I had some pics but am too scared to take my camera as it might get ruined.


• Our little Diva is sick right now. She has an ear infection but I am super happy to report the RSV test came back negative. She is miserable and whimpers all day. Breaks my heart but I know she will feel better soon. When she does feel well, she is a little charmer. She has stolen my heart and I have to stop myself from eating her face;)

Love you all - Em

Safe, Loved, Accepted

Long ago in this journey I attended an autism in-service with my sister. She is a teacher and was going anyway, so she invited me to tag along. At that time, I was very confident that it would be for informational purposes only since, there was no way MY BABY could have autism.

I don't remember the presenters name but he was some sort of PhD or MD or expert. He was very good. He did a great job of explaining everything and at that time it was all new to me. I felt very smug sitting there thinking, what wonderful information to store in my brain but nope, we won't need this at all.

I was so very wrong. Even at the time of that seminar, we knew something was wrong. We had just started hearing the "A" word and my heart was so scared and so broken that my denial allowed to at attend this seminar without thinking I would ever personally need the information.

The presenter kept emphasising three things. He said that children on the spectrum need to know they are 1. Safe, 2. Loved and 3. Accepted. To me these are things all children need to know but for some reason, these three things have stuck with me almost four years later.

These three things have saved me from feeling like I was failing as a mom. On the really bad days, weeks, months.... I at least know that Carson knows he was safe, loved and accepted.

It might be hard to understand but there are still times that it hits me out of the blue and I am still in total denial. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I have a child with autism. A child with a disability. A special needs child.

That is me. I am that mom. I am the mom that I have stared at in stores. The mom I have read about with admiration and sympathy. This was not suppose to be me. I never wanted it to be me and I still don't.

When these moments hit me it is overwhelming. My chest gets tight, I feel like I can't breathe. Strange.... I don't cry as much anymore. At times, I feel like I am all cried out. My mind goes to all the dark places it should not go. All the statistics. All the worry about his future. Even with Carson doing so well and being so high functioning the statistics are hard to hear.

Yet at the same time... I feel overwhelming love. I know in the big picture we are lucky. It could be so much worse. That does not change our life though.

I feel like we have been on a treadmill for four years. We have made great gains but I am tired. I admit it. I am really tired. And I feel guilty for being tired. I am no where close to giving up but there are days where I want to hibernate and think of anything other than autism.

There is not a day that goes by without some sort of apt, therapy, phone call, meeting, etc. To top it off anything new we add (to help him) is in addition to what we are currently doing.

The professionals say - he has to mature, let his body catch up to his brain, he is doing really well. I just want more and I want it now.

You may not realize that Jay and I protect him a great deal. We plan our whole life around him, what is good for him, what works for him, what makes him happy. There are only a few people that see the really hard days. The days where he is a mess. The days when he is very, very challenging. He is only five and there are days where he does not want to go to therapy, take his supplements or follow his diet. There are days when his autism is so obvious it smacks me in the face.

The good days fill me up and get me though the tougher ones. But the really bad days can make me feel really dark and sad.

I am not sure what it is about this time of year. Maybe the weather, being dark so early, being stuck in the house. I am just in a bit of a rut right now and feeling very overwhelmed with life. I want to know what it is like to just play. Go bumming with all my kids. Not need assistance and help. Not have this call to make or that appointment to attend. I want to know what it is like to not study everything my child eats or ingests. What it is like to not be constantly researching the newest and best. What it is like to not be worrying about how we will afford what is new and best.

So, once again, at the end of the day.... I can at least have faith in the fact that Carson knows he is safe, loved and accepted. If I do nothing else as a mother, I want all my children to know those three things. Some days it is only these three things that I feel I am able to accomplish.

Funny how something so obvious can get me though these days.